Loved & Lost
by Crystallic Rain
Summary: Remus had always been told that "it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." After losing Lily, he can't quite decide whether or not he believes it. Remus/Lily
1. A Losing Battle

**Loved & Lost**

**Notes:** Ohmigosh a new fic from Sarah! Enjoy it.

* * *

I've always been told that "it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." I have yet to decide whether or not I believe this. Both sides seem to have equally convincing arguments.

I find the first part, at the very least, horribly fitting.

I first met Lily Evans in our first year at Hogwarts. We were only eleven years old, then.

Naturally, at eleven, I wasn't in love with the girl. I did, however, immediately notice her striking beauty, her long, scarlet hair and pair of brilliant green eyes. Her hair had the slightest curl to it, waving and dancing down her back with the delicate scent of flowers, and her eyes... they had the tendency to pierce whoever she would look at; they showed a thousand different emotions or none at all when she was trying to be calm and collected. I also noticed, as we were both sorted into Gryffindor and attended all the same classes, that she was quite intelligent. She had incredible magic talent that rivaled those of "pure blood". She barely had to try, and she succeeded at all that she did—from Potions to Charms. It was obvious that many of our fellow students envied her.

I found myself longing to get to know Lily; I wanted to know everything about her, anything she could tell me. She was an intriguing creature, as she was gorgeous and smart. I wanted to know what she was thinking of as she tickled her chin with the end of her quill, and what she was imagining when her stunning emerald eyes were staring off into space...

However, I put my own feelings on hold when I met three boys who soon became my best friends: Sirius Black, Peter Pettigrew, and, of course, James Potter.

James Potter was also fascinated by Lily Evans, though he hardly kept it a secret as I did. It was common knowledge, not only to the four of us, but almost the entire school, that he fancied her. She was, therefore, "off limits" to anyone who considered himself a "_good_" friend of James Potter.

I was just happy to have friends, at last. I was more concerned with keeping things that way, so I downplayed all feelings I had for Lily. I put almost all of my effort into keeping my lycanthropy a secret, so that I hardly paid attention to her, hardly worried about my feelings or tried to get to know her. After all, attending Hogwarts had been my fresh start—I was able to go to school without anyone but the staff knowing that I was a werewolf.

At the age of twelve, however, in our second year, my friends discovered what I was. They fancied themselves quite clever to have figured it all out; I, on the other hand, was utterly horrified.

"You're a werewolf, aren't you, Remus?" James inquired.

I remember the question clearly, my heart racing as I stared at my three friends: James's expression looked as though he was bordering somewhere between curiosity and fascination; Peter, meanwhile, looked downright terrified, whereas Sirius looked mildly disgusted.

In a split second, I made my decision—I would run, run from the only people who had ever been my friends. Each of their expressions seemed ingrained in my head. James's look was something new, but disconcerting all the same; I desperately thought how he must have seen me as some sick sort of science experiment, some fascinating creature not fit to befriend. Peter's response was most normal, as I'd seen the fear I instilled in witches and wizards many times. And Sirius... his look was the worst, but what should I have expected? He was raised by a pureblood family of Slytherins who thought that half-breeds like me weren't fit to breathe.

I raced up to the dormitory, grabbing my rucksack.

"What are you doing?" James asked, panting in the doorway, staring at me.

"Leaving," I murmured, turning to face him.

"_Leaving_?" he repeated as though it was an unheard of concept.

"Yes," I said simply. "I'll get my trunk later. Please... move out of the way."

"I won't let you leave." He stared at me intently, and I returned his gaze. I caught a glimpse of Sirius behind him, avoiding my eyes, and Peter, trembling slightly in fear.

I reached for my wand, but James was quicker than me; he pointed his wand directly at me. I stumbled backwards slightly, back into the room we shared. I seated myself on my bed.

"Why in the name of Merlin would you want to leave?" he asked me.

"Because who in their right mind would want to share a dormitory with a werewolf?" I responded angrily. "I—I'm a _monster_."

"No you're not."  
The response came unexpectedly from Sirius. The three of us stared at him.

"You're not a monster, and you're a bloody idiot if you think otherwise."

I couldn't think of anything to say to him, or any of them; James was suddenly half-laughing his appreciation for Sirius's statement, and even Peter managed a squeak of agreement. They wanted me to stay, after all. They didn't care that I was a werewolf.

In fact, a quarter of an hour later, they convinced me to let them try to help. We sat in the room, working on ideas, both serious and joking. They wanted to do anything they could to help me with my "furry little problem".

It was the first time I felt _truly_ accepted. They _knew_ I was a werewolf and they couldn't care less. No longer did I feel like I had to hide something. They knew everything and it hardly fazed them.

I became determined to keep my friends, no matter what I had to do; it seemed more important than ever. I vowed that I would _never_, especially then, fall for Lily. Any feelings I had for her would be kept secret, if only to keep James at my side.

For the first two years we knew each other, I only made polite conversation with Lily as we chatted about simple things like our classes. I convinced myself that I respected her and nothing more; I harboured no deeper feelings for her.

I didn't realise how hard it would be to keep my promise to myself; I didn't know how easy it would be to fall for her.

I didn't see that I was fighting a losing battle.


	2. Nothing More

**Loved & Lost**

**Notes:** I apologise for taking so long to update. I really do. Also, you might notice this is similar to my story Trust. I hope you like it all the same!

* * *

Almost an entire year passed since James, Peter, and Sirius had discovered my secret, and they'd determined a sure way to help me: they'd become animagi so that they could transform with me. After all, as animals, I could not turn them into werewolves if bitten. However, they could make my time less miserable, and, most importantly, they could be there for me. 

They spent late nights studying to illegally become animagi, which I would occasionally object to, especially when one of them fell asleep during a class or a meal the following day. I didn't want them to fall apart like this for me. They brushed these comments aside, however. It would be a great adventure, after all; they weren't only helping me.

To show my appreciation, I constantly ventured to the library to read up on animagi so as to save them some time and maybe help them a fraction of how much they were helping me. If ever I found books that I thought would be helpful, I would take them from the library with pages marked and hand them to James or Sirius, whichever I saw first. After one of them would glance at it, he'd share it with the others and add it to their constantly growing piles of books to read. They read up on everything, from theories to the first animagi, making note of anything that could possibly come in handy.

One cold November day, I sat in the library looking furiously for new information to help the three of them. I was reading something quite enthralling at the time, an article about how the form you take is determined by your personality and character traits, that I hardly noticed when someone approached the table at which I was sitting.

"May I sit here?"

I looked up from my studying to see Lily, looking down at me where I was seated in the library. I was, as always, pleased to see her.

"Of course," I smiled, quickly shifting my piles of books to make room for her own; her arms were filled with books and charts and parchment. She graciously took the seat across from me, setting her things down on the table. She sighed, pulling herself closer to the table.

"You seem to be studying quite a bit," she said, gazing at my mountain of reference volumes on Transfiguration.

"Yes, well," I smiled, "our O.W.L.s are only two years away. I'm behind, really."

She laughed softly. Of course I was hardly studying for our O.W.L.s, only in our third year, but I knew she'd appreciate this joke. After all, I couldn't tell her what I was _really_ doing.

After a moment, she organised her things on the table; she put her papers off to the side and put a massive volume about Astronomy in the middle of everything. She stared down at it.

"You know," Lily said quietly, her tone suddenly very serious, "I was working on my Astronomy homework..."

"Oh, er, I just finished that," I said, slightly confused as to why she was suddenly mentioning this. "Did you want to go over them together, or..?"

"Well, actually," she went on, carefully choosing her words as she stared down at her book, still. She seemed to be avoiding my gaze, now. "I thought I'd include the relation to our moon because, you know, I figured it would be quite interesting to see how they compare. But then, when I came across a moon chart, I... well, I noticed something."

I swallowed hard, afraid of what was coming, especially when she opened the book to a moon chart.

"You were gone last Monday, weren't you?" she asked quietly. "You left the night before?"

"Well," I stammered, "I—I don't remember. It might have been—"

"Yes..." she went on very quietly, looking down at the different moon phases on the page, "because Black was complaining loudly that he couldn't copy your homework and Potter tried to be my partner during Potions..."

"Oh," I said lamely, still desperate for a way out of this conversation. "Well, then..."

"The night you left... it was a full moon."

"Really? I—I hadn't noticed."

"I tried remembering, and every day you've been gone this year has been the day after the full moon..." She pointed to a certain spot on the page, but I couldn't look. "September thirteenth," she said softly, then pointed to another. "October twelfth." Finally, she slid her finger to another place on the page. "November eleventh. I don't remember too well, but I'm fairly sure last year you left about every month, too."

"So?" I asked defiantly, but nervous all the same.

"So..." she replied, finally looking up at me, "are you a... a werewolf?"

"I..." My mind raced, desperate for anyway out, but I found none. It was pointless to lie, I figured. I swallowed again, staring her in the eyes. "Yes, I'm a werewolf. Every... every month, I go to the Shrieking Shack to transform, and the next day is always spent... _recuperating_, I suppose you could say. But please, please don't tell anyone," I begged, "I mean, the staff already knows, and—"

"Potter and them know, too, don't they?" she asked.

"Yes," I sighed. "They figured out last year. I really honestly trust that they won't tell anyone. I mean, they're my friends."

"You can trust me, too," she said, taking my hand for a moment and smiling comfortingly. "I swear I won't tell. After all, we're friends, too, aren't we?"

I smiled weakly in return before she released my hand, gathered her books, and left the library.

"Friends," I whispered to myself, feeling slightly light-headed and immensely relieved after the conversation. Lily and I would be friends. Nothing more.


	3. Forgotten Promises

**Loved & Lost**

* * *

Over the next year, Lily and I became quite close. We were friends, and only that. Never mind the fact that we constantly flirted with each other, never mind that we occasionally held hands... we were only friends, nothing more.

We never flirted or anything of the sort in open, per se; we only did so when we were alone in the common room, late at night, or else studying together in a corner of the library. We'd tease each other and list the ways we thought each other was wonderful while we held hands or held each other. It never seemed real to me, however; it always seemed to be in a joking manner, or else a way to comfort each other. I never allowed myself to hope that, perhaps, she did return my feelings. It was just unfathomable.

Lily and I would have very serious conversations, as well. We spoke of Hogwarts, our classes, our classmates, our problems.. Lily always seemed so concerned about me and my lycanthropy.

"Does it hurt?" she asked quietly, one late night in the common room. "To transform, I mean?"

I closed my book, looking at her solemnly, the firelight flickering across her face. She always seemed to bring the topic up out of nowhere, but I never really minded. I knew that she was desperate to understand, desperate for some way to help me.. I nodded grimly.

"What does it feel like?" she pressed on.

"It feels," I breathed, "like all your bones are splitting and breaking, then regrowing, like your skin is stretching and tearing and burning. It feels like you're dying..."

"Don't ever say that," she suddenly whispered, her eyes brimming with tears.

I immediately realised my mistake. "I didn't mean—"

But she simply shook her head, rubbing her eyes furiously, refusing to look at me. The subject was immediately dropped.

Never again did we speak about what it was like for me to transform. She simply assured that I was all right after transformations, visiting me in the hospital wing and healing any minor cuts or bruises that Madam Pomfrey had missed whilst repairing any major damage I'd done to myself. She'd bring me sweets from Honeydukes, or sometimes even a bottle of butterbeer. If I ever missed a day of school, she brought all my books so that she could eagerly relay all our lessons. I always took that as a chance to tell her, as she blushed furiously, that she'd make a fantastic teacher here, some day, if she wanted to. She could do anything that she put her mind to, I knew it.

We continued on with our relationship as though the conversation had never happened. We continued with our constant teasing and joking; it was those nights we spent together that we looked forward to the most.

"Did I ever tell you," I asked, one night, "why James seems to think you've become my friend?"

We were walking back up to the common room after Madam Pince finally decided it was too late for us to continue studying and half-shouted at us to leave (the only thing, of course, keeping her from positively screaming was her love for her beautiful library).

"Merlin.. No," Lily said, her voice mixed with amusement and dread. She smiled all the same, looking up at me.

"He seems to be under the impression that it's obviously a ploy to get closer to him. I mean, you can't possibly want to be my friend or anything. Nope, it's just for you to get to him. I knew you were only using me, Lily."

"But of course." She laughed. Merlin, she was gorgeous when she laughed. All I could think of was taking her in my arms and holding her close and kissing her passionately. Visions of the two of us as a couple seared my mind; suddenly, nothing and nobody else mattered, it was just us.

This would be my chance; this would be my moment.

And so, in a moment of sudden recklessness so unlike myself, I leaned into her, pressing my lips against hers. I could smell her hair, so strongly, the beautiful scent of flowers, and her lips.. they tasted like sweet cherries, probably from the lip balm I watched her constantly apply. She was so warm, so beautiful...

After a moment, however, I seemed to realise what I was doing and quickly pulled away from her. I stared at her for a moment before starting to walk again, taking quick, long strides.

"Remus!" she cried, half-running to catch up to me.

"I'm sorry," I muttered, squeezing my eyes tight. What was I thinking? How could she, Lily, ever care for me the way I did for her?

I felt her hand grab my own, and I stopped walking. Her fingers felt so small and warm in my own; it was a lovely sensation, but I tried not to let my mind dwell on it. I looked at her quite sadly.

"Why are you sorry?"

"Because _you_," I said to her softly, "are everything wonderful there is in the world. Merlin, you're beautiful and smart and talented, and everyone in the entire school is completely in love with you. And what am I? I'm a_monster_, so I try to disappear... I'm nobody."

"You're somebody to me," Lily smiled. "Somebody very wonderful."

She then placed each of her hands on either side of my face and leaned into me, kissing me deeply and passionately. I immediately returned the kiss, feeling her sweet lips moving against my own, tangling my fingers in her long, scarlet hair. I could've stood there with her forever; we needn't ever move. We needn't eat or sleep or breathe, all we needed was each other.

She was all I needed; I could forget promises I had made myself in order to keep James as a friend. I felt as though I had won a silent, secret war against him. She chose _me_; she chose me, and not James. What else mattered?


	4. Ignorance is Bliss

**Loved & Lost**

**Notes:** The story is officially finished, I just have to do a lot of editing... Enjoy this part while I work on the others!

* * *

"Lily, wait." 

As we drew away from each other, she stared at me curiously with her big green eyes. I forced myself to look directly into them, even though I felt as though she was looking directly into my soul.

"We can't do this," I breathed.

"And why in the bloody hell not?" she asked indignantly.

"It's not right."

"It's perfect," she smiled. "We're perfect, Remus. You and I are two halves of a whole. We belong together."

Her words made my heart stop; it was true. Whatever I lacked, she had to spare. Where she was courageous and strong and honest, I was rarely; I found myself weak and I hardly had the heart to be as brutally honest as she. We really were two halves of a perfect whole.

All the same, I couldn't listen to her, I couldn't let her convince me that we ought to be together. I couldn't hurt my _best friend_ like I knew I would.

"But James—"

"I don't care about James," she replied immediately, slightly angrily.

"But I do!" I half-yelled in response, throwing my hands in the air. Why couldn't she understand? "Lily, he was my first friend here and I care very deeply about him. He's crazy about you and any relationship I could have with you makes me feel as though I'm betraying him."

"He'll never need to know," she whispered pleadingly. "It can be our secret."

_Our _secret. He needn't know..

After all, they say that ignorance is bliss. As long as James never knew that Lily and I were dating, he could be happy. He could continue to chase after her, never knowing that one of the reasons she rejected him was that she was really dating me…

"You promise?" I asked softly. "Surely you can't be happy with the arrangement…"

She smiled weakly. "Anything to be with you," she breathed, taking my hands in each of her own. "I can handle it, as long as we're together."

I leaned in and kissed her chastely on the lips. "You're wonderful," I said to her, relieved, convincing myself that this plan was absolutely flawless.

James never had to know. He never_would _know.

And so it went. We kept this secret to ourselves for so long; days, weeks, and months slowly wore on.

It was funny, the way it went. Occasionally we'd look at each other at the Gryffindor table in the Great Hall or else in the common room, a few seats between us; we'd look up from our meals or studying, our eyes meeting for a brief moment, sharing a secret smile. I loved it, the way she'd always be taken over with a silent laughter, forced to look away so she wouldn't blow our cover.

Finally, when we could no longer take it, we'd each excuse ourselves, meeting up outside of the crowded area in which we were forced to hide, and running off, hand in hand, to somewhere we could be ourselves, by ourselves. Those were the moments I lived for.

There were moments, though, moments I wish more than anything I could just forget, to stop tainting the memories I have with her.

"What the bloody hell was that all about?" Lily asked me, coming up to me in the hallway. The other students had just dispersed, gone off to study for more of their O.W.L.s. Our Defense Against the Dark Arts exam had just been earlier in the day, and I was desperately trying to wrap my mind around the information for the Transfiguration exam the next day.

"What?" I asked her, slightly bemused.

"Why didn't you stand up for Severus, when Potter was being such a rotten git?"

I laughed. "You want me to stand up for that piece of dirt after he said _that _to you?"

Lily was silent a moment, staring at me with a mixture of anger and sadness. _"Before_," she whispered.

"What did you want me to do? Tell James that I think he should lay off my girlfriend's best friend? Because that would go over _so well_."

"I... I don't know," Lily muttered, looking away, biting her bottom lip. I could see how desperate she was to keep herself from tears. She always thought she was too strong to cry, that doing so was a sign of weakness...

I took her in my arms. "I'm sorry," I whispered to her.

"No," she replied, pulling away, "_I'm_ sorry. I'm just so frustrated with Severus, and with Potter... I know there wasn't really anything you could do..."

"Lily..."

"Why would he say that to me?" she asked, suddenly angry. "Of all the things he could call me, why would he say that?"

"Look at the people he hangs out with," I said sadly. "They're all running off to be Death Eaters the second they can."

"But Severus is different, he's not like them," she replied, and it seemed as though she was trying to convince herself more than me. "He's my best friend, and he'd never choose Voldemort over me..."

I desperately sought some consoling words to say to her, but it seemed so hopeless. She was hurting, feeling so betrayed, and there was nothing I could do to fix it. Only she and Severus could do that.

"He'll come around. He loves you," I told her, cupping her chin in my hand, forcing her to look up at me. "As do I." I smiled sheepishly, my heart pounding once I admitted the feeling.

She smiled in return. "I love you, too, Remus."

I wrapped my arms around her, holding her close to my chest.

_Love_. We were in _love_.

For such a tiny word, the meaning was immense. We loved each other, and nothing would ever change that.


	5. Fatal Mistakes

**Loved & Lost**

**Notes:** We're almost done, guys! Just two more parts after this. I'm going to be sad to see it end. [

* * *

I'd never been as happy as I was with Lily. Maybe, I thought, just maybe we'd have our own fairy tale ending, our own happily ever after. Maybe things would be more bearable with her forever by my side.

I admit, however, that I got immensely carried away. I should have known it could never last. I should have known that it was simply far too good to be true.

The summer following our fifth year was difficult. Her home life was disastrous, as she was constantly being attacked by her sister. Lily told me the things Petunia would say, the names she would call her, how worthless she'd make her feel. Lily never admitted how much they hurt, or how many times they made her cry, but I knew they did.

There were many times Lily wouldn't even admit that Petunia had said something to her, saying that "everything is completely fine, love," or "today was just wonderful, dearest," but I could tell. I could tell from the overly-happy words she printed on parchment that things weren't all right for her at all.

I never let her catch on that I was aware, though. I pretended I believed her, that everything was all right at my end, too.

Sometimes I wonder if that was my first mistake. She was closing herself off to me, and I did nothing to fight it. Perhaps I should have prodded her, maybe she would have respected me more for refusing to let her push me away. Instead, I sat idly by and watched as it happened before my eyes, unraveling itself in black ink on parchment.

The moment we saw each other again, however, things seemed to return to the same glorious state of the previous year. It felt as though the train ride and feast were exceptionally long that year; they seemed to last ages, purposefully trying to keep me away from Lily. I found myself counting the minutes until I would once again hold her in my arms, kiss her delicately on the forehead, and tell her that I loved her more than life itself.

And at last, when that moment finally came, all I could say as I clutched her closely was, "It's been far too long."

"I know," she replied softly.

I heard her words, dripping with sadness, hiding all the hurt feelings she'd kept from me over the summer, but I was so desperately happy to feel her warmth, the touch of her skin against mine, I didn't address it. I told myself that this return to normalcy was what she desperately needed, that she would forget everything now that we'd returned to each other.

That naivety seemed seemed to be my second mistake, for no matter how much we pretended, things were not the same. Things were not right.

I could see how restless Lily was growing from this secret relationship of ours. I could see it, but I desperately tried to ignore this as well, at least until I could no longer do so.

The first Hogsmeade weekend rolled around at last, and we'd promised to go together. It'd be difficult, of course, as we'd still pretend to be nothing more than friends while we were there, though we would naturally never take any moment we were completely alone for granted.

As we sat in the Three Broomsticks, however, sipping our butterbeer, I watched her. She was longingly looking around the room at the other couples, those who were very open about their feelings toward each other, holding hands across the table, their arms draped around each other, some of them even forgetting all decency and positively snogging each other over their drinks.

"Are you ashamed of me, Remus?" she suddenly asked, turning toward me.

"How could you ever ask that?" I replied, horrified. "I could never be ashamed of you. I love you, Lily."

She nodded solemnly, looking down at her drink. "Sometimes I just forget."

A white-hot anger burned inside me. '_Forget'? _How could she _forget? _I had more of a reason to _forget_, the way she acted so cold. And now she was questioning my love for her?

"It's been sixteen months," she continued. "Why are we still hiding?"

"It was your idea!" I told her, frustrated beyond belief.

"Maybe I was wrong."

"You know very well that James—"

"_James_ wouldn't keep me a secret like you do."

I stared at her, growing more furious by the second. "Then why don't you go date him."

She glared at me. "I want to date _you_, but I'm sick and tired of this stupid game of pretend we're playing!"

"Well maybe," I retorted, "it'd be better if we stopped playing all together."

She was completely silent. "Are you suggesting we break up?" she asked quietly, her voice pained.

"I am."

My third and final mistake, the one I still regret to this very day. I remember the look in her emerald eyes, the expression lingering somewhere between sheer horror and utter pain. It was a haunting image that shattered my heart.

Before I could say anything to console her, to take back what had just been done, she stood up. "Fine," she said, her voice breaking. "Fine. We're through. Goodbye, Remus."

My heart and mind screeched to an abrupt stop. After a few moments, they began working again.

_Merlin_, I thought to myself. _What did I just do?_

I forced myself to get up, hurrying outside, looking desperately around for her. I _had_ to fix things, I had to make them right. I'd tell the entire world that I loved her more than anything if it could just clean up this mess I made.

But she was gone. She'd left, and she'd been so hurt by what I said, she'd surely never want me back, even if I did manage to find her.

My life was over, and I was the only one to blame.


	6. A Bittersweet Chance

**Loved & Lost**

**Notes:** Only one more chapter to go! I hope you enjoy this one, it's a bit longer than the others (I ended up cutting about 500 words because it was just _too_ long, heh.

* * *

After weeks of purely and utterly loathing me, Lily forgave me. It was strained at first, but we once again became friends, as time slowly wore on.

_Friends._ We were friends and nothing more.

Although I had her, once again, I missed her desperately. I found myself longing to hold her again, to feel her warmth, to feel the soft touch of her skin brushing my own. I would do anything at all, but I could see that she didn't want it.

She'd moved on. I willed myself to follow her lead and move on as well, to forget my feelings for her, but nothing worked. No matter how hard I tried, she ran through my mind, teasing me with that beautiful smile and those gorgeous eyes.

It hurt to see that she no longer loved me, but hat hurt even more was to watch her fall for someone else...

She'd begun to fall for James.

"You're bloody out of your mind," she replied indignantly when I asked her if my suspicions were true. "He's _still _an egotistical git."

I tried to tell myself that she was telling the truth, but I knew with all my heart that she was lying.

She still became positively furious with him, naturally, when he acted as though he was a prize to be won, but there were so many tiny acts on her part that became blatantly obvious to me. I saw the way she would look his way during class, smiling slightly as he'd make a joke or comment before mentally cursing herself... She was fighting so hard not to like him, but she was fighting a losing battle.

One afternoon, I was lying quietly on my bed, sadly wondering how exactly things got to be the way they were now, when I heard the dormitory door open. I didn't budge, still staring at the ceiling, until the entrant spoke.

"Hey Moony," I heard James say, taking a seat on his bed which lay next to mine. "Can I talk to you?"

My heart stopped for a brief second; surely he couldn't have figured out that Lily and I had been dating.

"It's nothing _bad_," James continued, seeming to sense my nervousness. "I was wondering if you could give me some advice. I mean, Peter and Sirius are bloody idiots and haven't helped me in the least... But you—you're really smart. A real... _intellectual."_

I could tell he was completely eager for my help by the way he said it, so I sat up, vaguely bemused. "What do you need help with?"

He inhaled deeply. "How can I possibly win over Lily?"

I stared at him for a moment. "James, I don't think I..."

"Please, Moony," he said pleadingly.

"Why do you want my help?" I asked him, standing up and walking over to the desk in our room. I wanted to distract myself, arranging the papers and books strewn across the hard wood surface.

"She's so smart, so beautiful... she's _amazing. _Every time I try so hard, I just... I mess everything up." He stood up,walking over to me. "I care about her, Moony, and I'm tired of always screwing up."

I looked at him, but slightly differently this time; no disbelief, but utter respect. Here he was, professing his feelings for Lily, asking me for just the tiniest bit of help.

All I could see was a golden opportunity to make Lily happy. If I could help James succeed, if she finally said 'yes' to him... Maybe she could be happy. It might be murder for me, but I'd do anything for her.

"All right," I said, forcing a smile as I essentially gave my own death sentence. "I'll help you out."

"Thank you," he replied, grinning in return. "So, er..."

"Don't try to impress her, just be honest. Tell her exactly how it is that you feel, just like you just told me," I advised. "Maybe get her some flowers. Girls love flowers."

James smiled broadly. "I know! I'll—"

"For the love of _Merlin_," I broke in, "do not get her lilies."

He frowned slightly, obviously hurt that I didn't appreciate what he thought to be cleverness.

"Roses," I told him, looking down and smiling at the thought. "She loves roses."

He didn't ask me how I knew, he simply hugged me tightly. "Thanks a ton, mate," he said, hurrying out of the room.

I laid myself back on my bed, squeezing my eyes shut, telling myself that this might be what I need. If I could see Lily happy with James, maybe I could forget. Maybe it wouldn't hurt so much...

I opened my eyes, the dormitory suddenly dark. I glanced at the clock; I must have drifted off to sleep. I forced myself to get up, running my fingers through my hair, then trudging downstairs.

The common room was brightly lit, filled mostly with Gryffindor girls in the lower years, talking and giggling about something. It took me several minutes to realise what that something was.

"_Merlin's beard," _I breathed, staring around.

"What do you think?" he asked happily, approaching me, gesturing at the hundreds of roses placed throughout the common area.

"What do I _think_?" I inquired incredulously, looking at him blankly. "I think you went a _little_ over the top."

"I'm going to have to agree with Remus, Potter," came Lily's voice suddenly, having just entered through the portrait hole.

James looked slightly crestfallen, but proceeded anyway. "It's for you, Lily."

"It... what?" she stammered, staring at him, her expression changing from amusement to something slightly indistinguishable—was she touched, lingering with her surprise and confusion?

He tried to smile, approaching her, taking her hand. "I care about you, Lily," he told her, the younger girls continuing to giggle and mutter in their amazement. "I have for a long time. You—"

Lily pulled away from him angrily. "You don't get it, Potter!" she shouted angrily, her voice breaking slightly. "It's all just a big show to you! Just... just leave me alone... James Potter, I _hate_ you..." She ran upstairs angrily.

James ran his hand through his hair, unable to hide his hurt behind laughter and jokes like he usually did.

I never told him the sight I witnessed later that night, upon returning to Gryffindor Tower.

The common room was empty as I entered it, or at least I thought it was. I suddenly noticed someone moving in the far back of the room—_Lily_.

I tried to remain still and silent so that she might not notice me, simply watching her so that I might understand what she was doing.

I saw her slowly grasp one of the flowers, shaking her head slightly, but smiling exasperatedly. She fingered the petals of the scarlet rose, holding it up to her nose for a second to inhale it's delicate scent. She suddenly turned and walked upstairs, still cradling the single rose.

It was bittersweet, I told myself. I knew this was a sign that she'd be happy one day soon... but she'd be happy with _him._


	7. Never

**Loved & Lost**

**Notes:** This is the end of the road. I hope everyone enjoyed it, thank you all so much for reading!

* * *

The next year, James took my advice a little more to heart—he gave Lily a single rose, a beautiful yellow one with a reddish tint around the edges of the petals, enchanted to last forever. "One rose," he said he told her, "for one chance."

And, as he excitedly relayed it to Sirius, Peter, and myself later in the dormitory, she told him 'yes'.

They married, almost immediately after we finished our seventh year. They were in love, and they always would be.

Their wedding was the happiest day of her life, and thus, I told myself, should be mine. Lily and I were best friends, I couldn't imagine feeling any other way.

She was so incredibly beautiful, that day. Her scarlet hair was wrapped in a gorgeous bun on the top of her head, elegant curls falling around her face and down her back. A strand of pearls rested around her neck, and her white dress was beautifully designed, her hands enveloped in elbow-length gloves.

She kissed me on the cheek when I entered her room, one final visit before she was eternally bonded to James. I was speechless when I saw her, completely mesmerized by her beauty, I simple stared at her, mouthing words that wouldn't come.

"Thank you so much for coming, Remus," she smiled, holding me tight. "I don't know what I'd do without you."

I simply nodded as she released me, my throat tight, unable to make a coherent sound.

She hardly walked toward James, a half hour later, gliding instead, her painted lips moving beautifully as she recited her vows, promising to love and cherish James until the day that she died. They were meant to be, meant to last forever...

I would have given anything for that to be me she was telling she'd love forever. Just as she'd told me before, I didn't know what _I'd_ do without _her._

Two years later, however, I was forced to find out. On that fateful Halloween night, I didn't just lose my three closest friends, but I lost the love of my life.

Sirius betrayed them, after _pretending_ to love them _so deeply_._I_ should have been the one who helped them go into hiding, because I would've died before ever turning Lily, and James, into Voldemort.

And Peter, _poor _Peter! He went after Sirius. I'm sorry that Peter ever got to Sirius before I did, because that traitor would not be sitting in a dark cell in Azkaban.

It's not _fair, _not fair that they did this, that they left me like this!

Today marks a year since their deaths. It's been three hundred sixty-five days since that horrible night. Each day has been pure torture.

This morning I took my coat, wrapping my scarf tightly around my neck and stepping outside. The air was chilly, and I hugged my jacket close to me. I looked up to the cloudy sky, finally registering that it was raining profusely.

I slowly trudged through the rain, disapparating after a few blocks, down an empty alleyway. I reappeared, seconds later, on the outskirts of Godric's Hollow. I held myself even more tightly, suddenly overcome by shivering that had nothing to do with the cold.

I hardly watched where I was going, letting my feet lead the way to the familiar memorials recognising the horrible losses of Lily and James, and the horrible marking of Harry as the one to have to destroy Voldemort (or at least, that was the rumour that was spreading like wildfire among those who did not think Voldemort completely dead).

I stared at the war memorial, waiting anxiously for it to transform into the statue of Lily, James, and baby Harry. Just one look at it, and I'd seen enough; I simply couldn't stand seeing it. Even made by magic, the statue hardly captured Lily's stunning beauty.

I easily walked passed their house, fearing the sinking sensation I'd feel if I looked too closely, seeing the second floor in ruins, where Lily had sacrificed her life to save her son's. I strode quickly past the destroyed house, walking immediately through the cemetery gates.

I passed the many graves of great wizards who'd once resided in this small community. I only _really_ cared about two of them.

I waved my wand, conjuring flowers—roses, Lily's favourite—and placed them gently onto the soft dirt.

"It's not _fair," _I breathed, crouching down and touching the cold stone bearing her name and dates of birth and death. "I love you so much, it's not fair that I lost you like this..."

Suddenly a familiar saying echoed in my brain...

I've always been told that "it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."

_No, _I told myself, it's _not_ true. Not in the _least._

I stood up suddenly, staring up at the sky, tears mingling with the raindrops which were pelting my skin. I would have given anything to stop the pain. I would have given anything to go back in time, just so that I might never have let my feelings take a hold of me, so that I might have never fallen in love.

I'd rather that I'd never loved her. It would have hurt a million times less to have lost her.


End file.
